Uh Oh!

I am an idiot. I just sent one of our big donors an e-mail that was meant for someone else. Arghhh. I forgot how to recall a message and by the time I figured it out, it was too late. I hope I didn't make him mad. Every once in awhile (no matter how much I try to avoid it) I make a little "uh-oh" like that. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over such a small thing. At least it wasn't a BIG "uh-oh"! Donors, who you'd think are kind and generous can be difficult. I haven't run into that here as much as the last 2 places I worked but I'm still in defense mode. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now. I need a vacation from traffic, work, house cleaning, the blues and the drama that has been following me around lately. It's only Tuesday and I'm already whining! I guess I'm just in desperate need of a REAL vacation! Hopefully Stephen & I can make it to Martha's Vineyard for Labor Day. I'm imagining riding bikes around the island, having some good lobster (with lots of butter), lounging on the beach, shopping and taking walks around town with my love. Ahhhh, feels like I'm there already! ;-)

Where do cats go when they die?

I’m heartbroken. I miss my Sammy. I know in time it will get easier. Sammy wasn’t just my pet. She was my friend, confidant, security blanket and my history. She was there through most of my childhood, my teenage years and my twenties. If you didn’t know Sammy or my adoration of her then you probably don’t know me very well. She was a gift to lift my spirits and she never stopped cheering me up the entire 20 years. I feel immense guilt for making the decision to put her to sleep. I know it was the best thing to do. Her kidneys had shut down and she was uncomfortable & unable to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom. It’s still a tough decision to make. I keep wondering if there was something else I could have done to “fix” her. I hope she’s okay wherever she is. Maybe it’s hard for me to feel good about my decision because I’m not sure if I believe in heaven. I struggle with this every time someone I love dies. I’d love there to be a heaven but I have no proof of its existence. How heavenly can a place be when you’re separated from your body and those you love? Everything Sammy loved isn’t there. Me, El Pollo Loco scraps, Fancy Feast, being scratched under her chin by Stephen, hugged by me and laying on the living room floor. All those things are here on earth. I don’t recall them opening an El Pollo Loco in heaven and our living room floor is definitely still in Whittier. The heaven I imagine doesn’t impress me or comfort me. If you don’t take your body with you then how could you enjoy life's pleasures after death? Would you be able to enjoy Filet Mignon if there was no need for food? Can you kiss in heaven? What about drive down the coast? I don't want to be in a place without those things. I remember the day when my dad told me that the body is only a shell and that only your soul goes up to heaven – I was confused & horrified! I still am after 25 years! Leaving my body behind, happily floating around somewhere for eternity & chillin with God (I hear he’s so judgmental! LOL!) doesn’t sound like my kind of fun. If it’s so great then why are people so scared of death? I’ve been waiting for Sammy’s spirit to come visit but I guess she must be happy wherever she’s at. Maybe her little kitty soul is floating around the living room? It meant so much to have Sammy put to sleep in our home. It was sad, and ugly, but at the same time, beautiful that she died with family and in the comfort of her home & in her favorite spot. I got to hold her little hand through it all. I was happy we could do that for her. 20 years of friendship earned that respect. The past few weeks have been hard, even before Sammy took a turn for the worse. I’ve been dealing with some disappointments, sadness, Rose’s death, changes at work and trying to sort out some things in my head. Right when I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I got hit by a brick – actually a couple of bricks in the same week. I know I’ll be fine soon. Through these tough times, at least I find comfort in my family & friends. Thanks guys! Stephen, thank you for all you did for me & Sammy, for the gorgeous flowers, the very special card & for getting me out of the house this weekend. I had the best time. I love you!!!

Thought of the day: Please comment of your idea of heaven. I’ve been struggling with this concept since childhood…maybe someone can convince me that it’s not just hype. I’m not swayed by clouds, angels and harps so give me something good. Give me an intriguing concept to ponder.

RIP Sammy

Sammy's page

I am a guitar hero

I kick ass....OK, I'm only on the beginner level...but I still kick ass!

Life just aint' fair!

Rose's death is starting to sink in. I can't stop thinking about our last lunch and how unfair her death is. The service was Friday and it was beautiful. There were loving words said by friends, a harpist and lovely flowers and pictures. Her daughter and son-in-law are strong and loving people. They planned her funeral just the way she would have liked it with every last detail just perfect. Rose taught me everything about event planning. We used to have so much fun when we'd go for walk through and food tastings at the Hyatt. Those were fun times! During her funeral a strong wind full of electricity came out of nowhere. It was a hot windless day and the wind whipped up and surrounded the crowd. A few people remarked afterwards that the wind was a sign from Rose saying she's okay. I'd like to believe this is true.

The rest of the weekend came and went too fast. I hung out by the pool with Jenny, wacthed a very bloody UFC fight & spent some time with my parents on Sunday. Today I'm feeling tired and gloomy. I'm headed home for some carnitas burritos with Stephen. I can't wait to get out of the traffic zoo and get home!

Rose

I received the sad news that my old manager/old co-worker/dear friend/ Rose passed away sometime at the beginning of this week. I'm still in shock and I'm not sure if I even believe it's true. It can't be! I just saw her last week! We had a fabulous lunch, a decadent dessert and bottle of champagne. We talked and laughed. She was full of hope and excited about the possibly that her new treatment was going to work. She told me she wasn't ready to die. She talked about a doctor that had left her with no hope and suggested grief counseling. She had just found a new doctor who was willing to help her. Giving up and having no hope was unacceptable to her. She had so much more she wanted to do. Short term goals like finally getting the chance to watch the last episode of Grey's Anatomy, planning a Happy Hour and going with her daughter to see Wicked. Then there were bigger dreams of opening a Champagne bar, traveling, seeing her grandchildren grow up and finding love again. It's so unfair. I'm so glad I got the chance to know her. Despite all the crap that went on at UW I was able to come away from there a better person and with many experiences and wonderful friendships. I'm thankful for our last lunch together and I'm glad that we picked champagne instead of plain old wine. Life's short so drink it up.

Happy 28th my love!!!

This weekend was Stephen's birthday. The BIG 28! Friday I had planned to take him to Phlight for dinner and then to have drinks in Uptown. It didn't quite work out as I had planned. I had a hunch something was going to go wrong. Much like most of my ideas these days! My planets must be out of alignment. Saturday was his actual birthday. I got up early and made him french toast (yum) and gave him his presents. I got him a wallet, 2 gift cards, Guitar Hero (he loved it), golf balls and a bunch of other little goodies. Then he had to go to work which really sucked. Later we had a pirate themed party for him & Greg. It was nice and not so nice. I hope he had fun despite the not so nice aspects of the party. I did enjoy myself and the highlight was getting a ride on the back of his bro Larry's motorcycle. It was fun and I enjoyed speeding through East L.A. by motorcycle. Very cool! Stephen, his friend & myself closed the night with a few drinks in Uptown. I tried my best to make his day special and I hope it was. We did some more celebrating with his friends yesterday and there will be more celebrating to come when we finally get our date at Phlight. We have a break from parties for a few weeks. I can't wait for this weekend. Finally no obligations and sleeping in! Stephen's on a fishing trip for a few days and I'm alone with Sammy, a sink full of dishes and the ghosts. I miss him already. He left me a little note and he scribbled I love you. It gave me butterflies. Well I'm off to bed on the couch. Our bedroom is an oven! The heat is finally here!