Heaven in a bottle

Mmmmmmm, this stuff is good. A new addiction to add to my many others. I struck out finding a bookstore on my lunch hour so I ended up wandering around Whole Foods. I bought Sushi for lunch & Butternut Squash Enchiladas to make for dinner. Yum! Whole Foods makes me crazy!

I'm still grieving from the loss of my Sammy. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier, but I know in time it will. I got her ashes back on Wednesday. They're in a little box in her bed until I can think of a proper place to put them. I was home sick of Friday & I was napping on the coach & I had this strange sensation she was laying on me, I opened my eyes & there she was! I'm pretty sure I was dreaming it but it felt real for a few seconds. I think I was in some sort of partial dream state where I was semi aware of my surroundings. When I snapped out of it I was really bummed out! I fell back to sleep & there she was again, but this time sharing the pillow with me! It must have been a dream but it felt so real.

In other news, Stephen & I are going to Martha's Vineyard! It's only a short trip, but we both need an adventure. We can't wait to leave "it all" behind for a few days. By the way, keep checking my Photo Album. I'm trying to post photos regularly despite having to use Stephen's paparazzi camera or my cell phone. I need a new camera! I posted some pictures of my most swaps! Enjoy! xoxo

Where do cats go when they die?

I’m heartbroken. I miss my Sammy. I know in time it will get easier. Sammy wasn’t just my pet. She was my friend, confidant, security blanket and my history. She was there through most of my childhood, my teenage years and my twenties. If you didn’t know Sammy or my adoration of her then you probably don’t know me very well. She was a gift to lift my spirits and she never stopped cheering me up the entire 20 years. I feel immense guilt for making the decision to put her to sleep. I know it was the best thing to do. Her kidneys had shut down and she was uncomfortable & unable to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom. It’s still a tough decision to make. I keep wondering if there was something else I could have done to “fix” her. I hope she’s okay wherever she is. Maybe it’s hard for me to feel good about my decision because I’m not sure if I believe in heaven. I struggle with this every time someone I love dies. I’d love there to be a heaven but I have no proof of its existence. How heavenly can a place be when you’re separated from your body and those you love? Everything Sammy loved isn’t there. Me, El Pollo Loco scraps, Fancy Feast, being scratched under her chin by Stephen, hugged by me and laying on the living room floor. All those things are here on earth. I don’t recall them opening an El Pollo Loco in heaven and our living room floor is definitely still in Whittier. The heaven I imagine doesn’t impress me or comfort me. If you don’t take your body with you then how could you enjoy life's pleasures after death? Would you be able to enjoy Filet Mignon if there was no need for food? Can you kiss in heaven? What about drive down the coast? I don't want to be in a place without those things. I remember the day when my dad told me that the body is only a shell and that only your soul goes up to heaven – I was confused & horrified! I still am after 25 years! Leaving my body behind, happily floating around somewhere for eternity & chillin with God (I hear he’s so judgmental! LOL!) doesn’t sound like my kind of fun. If it’s so great then why are people so scared of death? I’ve been waiting for Sammy’s spirit to come visit but I guess she must be happy wherever she’s at. Maybe her little kitty soul is floating around the living room? It meant so much to have Sammy put to sleep in our home. It was sad, and ugly, but at the same time, beautiful that she died with family and in the comfort of her home & in her favorite spot. I got to hold her little hand through it all. I was happy we could do that for her. 20 years of friendship earned that respect. The past few weeks have been hard, even before Sammy took a turn for the worse. I’ve been dealing with some disappointments, sadness, Rose’s death, changes at work and trying to sort out some things in my head. Right when I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I got hit by a brick – actually a couple of bricks in the same week. I know I’ll be fine soon. Through these tough times, at least I find comfort in my family & friends. Thanks guys! Stephen, thank you for all you did for me & Sammy, for the gorgeous flowers, the very special card & for getting me out of the house this weekend. I had the best time. I love you!!!

Thought of the day: Please comment of your idea of heaven. I’ve been struggling with this concept since childhood…maybe someone can convince me that it’s not just hype. I’m not swayed by clouds, angels and harps so give me something good. Give me an intriguing concept to ponder.

RIP Sammy

Sammy's page