IT'S A BOY!!!

Look at my new nephew William Atticus! I can't wait to meet him!

In Honor of Grandma

I remember...

-How she loved a cup of coffee with something sweet

-Her favorite spot on the couch - don't dare sit in her spot!

-Her couch exercises

-Playing Mexican Bingo with beans

-Going with her to the "Beauty Shop" in her friends basement

-Helping her make Tacos, with lots of pepper

-How she loved BBQ ribs

-How she'd laugh when she'd watch the Newlywed game & Bob Eubanks would say the word "Whoopee".

-Driving around with her in her yellow Nova, which smelled like gasoline

-Her Avon bubble bath & Skin so Soft

-Watching Day of Our Lives with her

-Her silver flower ring

-Her love for the color yellow

-Her idea to use Palmolive on her porch as a make shift slip-n-slide for me & Billy. LOL!

-Christmas and her dry, still on the cross, Douglas Firs, with clumps of tinsel

-Shopping with her at Big Buy market

-Her love for Whiskey Pete's & slot machines

-Making us be quiet & hide from her neighbor Julie when she'd come knocking

-Her old stories, especially the one about how she fought a lady in a laundry mat & ripped her shirt off (my Grandma was tough!)

-Her couch with the plastic cover

-The way she smelled, her giggle & how she loved getting "dolled up" for special occasions

R.I.P Grandma!!! I love you...

Tuesdays Blow!

I've been on this never-ending quest to figure out how to manage my horrendous commute, work full time and still enjoy the things I love. It’s nearly impossible but I’ve been trying. I’ve started to wake early (well earlier then usual) to tend to my new little pets & the house. I spend my lunch hour reading or crafting. I zoom home (well not zoom since my commute can take up to two hours) make a quick frozen dinner, play with the pets, work on swaps, watch TV & try to spend quality time with Stephen when he’s home from school. Needless to say, I am exhausted and not really giving any of those things the full attention that they need. At least I am feeling somewhat accomplished. I stuffed a gazillion things into my weekend as usual. A BBQ, vet appointment, historical home tour (amazing), Peruvian food with the newlyweds (which was beyond delicious I should add), Target shopping, lunch with my honey & enjoying time with Lily & Woody(the sweetest fur babies). It was one of the best weekends I've had in so long...but now I'm feeling drained & tired. I was falling asleep and my desk so I thought I'd take a much needed break & accomplish another thing I love. This blog! Yes, I am guilty of blogging & slacking on the job! So what! I really hate Tuesdays. It's the worst day of the week. The weekend is a distant memory & Friday is still worlds away. Besides at my job (& previous job) Tuesdays always mean office meetings. Boy, do I despise office meetings...especially when ice breakers are involved. I am the anti-office worker and it's funny how I find myself stuck in a cubicle under a fluorescent light. Bleeeehh! At least, I am in one of the most unconventional office environment you'll come across. I still wish I was an artist with my own art studio. I think when I have a baby it is definitely something I will pursue. That's my dream, one of many!

Tomorrow is Halloween! I put together little treat bags for the Trick-or-Treaters. Last year we only got a handful of kids passing through trying to get to the historical district. I have 3 pumpkins ready for carving & hopefully they will bring us lots of kids. I just love Trick-or-Treaters because it was something I had so much fun doing. I can't wait to have kids & Trick-or-Treat vicariously through them! haha! Yes, I am one of those weird pet parents who likes to dress up pets. I just can't seem to find costumes small enough for them. Maybe I can come up with a cape or something. Anyway, I better get back to work! Happy Halloween Eve!

Spoiled!

Where do cats go when they die?

I’m heartbroken. I miss my Sammy. I know in time it will get easier. Sammy wasn’t just my pet. She was my friend, confidant, security blanket and my history. She was there through most of my childhood, my teenage years and my twenties. If you didn’t know Sammy or my adoration of her then you probably don’t know me very well. She was a gift to lift my spirits and she never stopped cheering me up the entire 20 years. I feel immense guilt for making the decision to put her to sleep. I know it was the best thing to do. Her kidneys had shut down and she was uncomfortable & unable to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom. It’s still a tough decision to make. I keep wondering if there was something else I could have done to “fix” her. I hope she’s okay wherever she is. Maybe it’s hard for me to feel good about my decision because I’m not sure if I believe in heaven. I struggle with this every time someone I love dies. I’d love there to be a heaven but I have no proof of its existence. How heavenly can a place be when you’re separated from your body and those you love? Everything Sammy loved isn’t there. Me, El Pollo Loco scraps, Fancy Feast, being scratched under her chin by Stephen, hugged by me and laying on the living room floor. All those things are here on earth. I don’t recall them opening an El Pollo Loco in heaven and our living room floor is definitely still in Whittier. The heaven I imagine doesn’t impress me or comfort me. If you don’t take your body with you then how could you enjoy life's pleasures after death? Would you be able to enjoy Filet Mignon if there was no need for food? Can you kiss in heaven? What about drive down the coast? I don't want to be in a place without those things. I remember the day when my dad told me that the body is only a shell and that only your soul goes up to heaven – I was confused & horrified! I still am after 25 years! Leaving my body behind, happily floating around somewhere for eternity & chillin with God (I hear he’s so judgmental! LOL!) doesn’t sound like my kind of fun. If it’s so great then why are people so scared of death? I’ve been waiting for Sammy’s spirit to come visit but I guess she must be happy wherever she’s at. Maybe her little kitty soul is floating around the living room? It meant so much to have Sammy put to sleep in our home. It was sad, and ugly, but at the same time, beautiful that she died with family and in the comfort of her home & in her favorite spot. I got to hold her little hand through it all. I was happy we could do that for her. 20 years of friendship earned that respect. The past few weeks have been hard, even before Sammy took a turn for the worse. I’ve been dealing with some disappointments, sadness, Rose’s death, changes at work and trying to sort out some things in my head. Right when I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I got hit by a brick – actually a couple of bricks in the same week. I know I’ll be fine soon. Through these tough times, at least I find comfort in my family & friends. Thanks guys! Stephen, thank you for all you did for me & Sammy, for the gorgeous flowers, the very special card & for getting me out of the house this weekend. I had the best time. I love you!!!

Thought of the day: Please comment of your idea of heaven. I’ve been struggling with this concept since childhood…maybe someone can convince me that it’s not just hype. I’m not swayed by clouds, angels and harps so give me something good. Give me an intriguing concept to ponder.

RIP Sammy

Sammy's page

Happy 28th my love!!!

This weekend was Stephen's birthday. The BIG 28! Friday I had planned to take him to Phlight for dinner and then to have drinks in Uptown. It didn't quite work out as I had planned. I had a hunch something was going to go wrong. Much like most of my ideas these days! My planets must be out of alignment. Saturday was his actual birthday. I got up early and made him french toast (yum) and gave him his presents. I got him a wallet, 2 gift cards, Guitar Hero (he loved it), golf balls and a bunch of other little goodies. Then he had to go to work which really sucked. Later we had a pirate themed party for him & Greg. It was nice and not so nice. I hope he had fun despite the not so nice aspects of the party. I did enjoy myself and the highlight was getting a ride on the back of his bro Larry's motorcycle. It was fun and I enjoyed speeding through East L.A. by motorcycle. Very cool! Stephen, his friend & myself closed the night with a few drinks in Uptown. I tried my best to make his day special and I hope it was. We did some more celebrating with his friends yesterday and there will be more celebrating to come when we finally get our date at Phlight. We have a break from parties for a few weeks. I can't wait for this weekend. Finally no obligations and sleeping in! Stephen's on a fishing trip for a few days and I'm alone with Sammy, a sink full of dishes and the ghosts. I miss him already. He left me a little note and he scribbled I love you. It gave me butterflies. Well I'm off to bed on the couch. Our bedroom is an oven! The heat is finally here!

2nd Annual Easter Egg Coloring Party

This year we celebrated at Greg and Jenn's new pad. We BBQed delsih hamburgers provided by moi, but cooked to perfection by The Gregmeister. I brought yummy Easter Bunny cupcakes (I, along with all the hipsters have a serious cupcake addiction...except I loved them before they were cool!). Jenn provided the eggs and the dye. I bought this really cool Easter egg bug kit at last year's after Easter sale at Target (note to self: GO TO TARGET TOMORROW - early!!!). The bug eggs were adorable. I actually got Stephen to create one before he snuck off with Greg to have a "jam session". His was the best! I think our eggs really fit our personalities! Greg also made his 2nd annual cartoon egg. He's getting good at this! It was Stewie from Family Guy. Check out last year's post to see our creations. I can't believe it's already been a year! Today was a lazy Easter day spent with my lovie. We slept in, ate a greasy Mexican brunch at Taco Shack, made an attempt at the movies but ended up vegging out in front of the tube. I watched a whole season of last season's America's Top Model while Stephen surfed the net. The Easter Bunny spoiled Stephen! He got a tiny basket stuffed with goodies, a kite (the kite was really for me!) and a very special surprise from the Easter Carrie. He really deserved something nice - he's been so patient and wonderful. The Bunny brought me Dippin Dots and a basket full of love and hope. Just what I needed.

Let me off! NOW!

I've been riding a roller coaster for the last six months and I'm ready to hop off! Mostly I've been headed downhill, full speed ahead, through a dark tunnel, white knuckling it the whole way. Throughout the ride I lost creativity, self confidence and worst of all, hope. Slowly, I'm trying to find myself again. I'm going to get off this ride - I am determined to do it. I am fearless and ready. Here goes everything!

In search of myself and all that I've lost, I have decided to get crafty again. I went to Michael's today and bought some supplies to make a wish book. I'm going to create pages of what I wish for in my life. If I make it, IT will come. I'll post photos along this creative journey.

So far, 30 has been great. OK, so the whole not having a job thing stinks...but otherwise I am exactly where I imagined myself to be at 30. Sure, I want marriage, babies & owning a house would be icing on the cake - but I never needed all of that by 30 years and 9 days. Things will come together and I want to cherish everyday and love myself the way I am right now, this very second. I don't want to hate myself because I feel the pressure of everyone's expectations for me. Marriage and babies will come soon. I have been inspired by several women who have waited until their 30s to start a family. For all of us, it is not because of circumstance that we waited. It is because of choice. I am proud of the choices I made. I waited for the right time and for the right person. Thank God, Hallelujah, Praise da Lord I didn't have a baby with the first (or second) guy to come around. I'd be on a whole different roller coaster if my life would have turned out that way. I'm happy, I love my guy more then I've loved anyone - ever. I'm happy that I waited. Check out this little bit of inspiration I found in this month's Glamour. I also found the picture of a really pretty ring. I'll post it up somewhere in the house just in case...just in case I get sick of waiting...hehe....

I added more pics to my Photo Album. Check out my swaps & a bunch of my random pictures. Taking pictures is relaxing. I am addicted to Steph's new camera. ssshhhhh - I've been sneakily using it. hehehehe...I've yet to add any of me at my birthday party. I just hate the way I looked that day! Couldn't someone have told me I desperately needed compact! Anyway, keep checking in. I prmise to "spice up" my blog. My poor blog is a snooze fest! I have a couple cool topics on the backburner. Less venting! I pinky promise!

I have my fingers crossed behind my back. ;-) hehehe...

The party is over!

My week long 30th birthday celebration has finally come to an end. It ended on Saturday with a big celebration at Bar Celona in Pasadena with family and friends. It was good to see everyone I love together, eating, talking, laughing and having a good time. I got so many nice gifts but seeing everyone together was the best gift of them all. The restaurant was cool, the cake was delicious and the Sangria was to die for!!! My camera pooped out so I'm a little delayed on adding pictures to flickr. I borrowed two different cameras and I'm trying to get a hold of the memory sticks to make a slide show of the big bash. It was a fun party but it would have been even better if it wasn't MY party. I couldn't help stressing out that people weren't having a good time, that they had spent too much money on me or that I looked hideously fat & ugly. Not to mention that I feel as though I have a huge U on my chest for UNEMPLOYED and everyone can see it. I hate that I am so insecure right now. It's a combination of events over the last 6 months that has got me to this low point. I want the old me back! I know I'm somewhere under this blanket of self hate. I don't want to be like this, I really, really don't. Relying on someone else for survival is a really humbling experience...it's been tough but my family has been there, and will continue to be there, loving me unconditionally... & for this I am most grateful. I hope things change soon - for your sake, my dear blog readers! The stress is zapping my fun & creativity. I'm losing it & I'm sorry.

Cabin Fever

Valentine's dinner was a success! I made filet mignon with mushrooms, scallions and a teriyaki glaze, salad, bread, baked potatoes and for dessert a fruit tart & fresh raspberries and cream. It was delicious if I must say so myself! ;-) Stephen gave me the most beautiful roses! They are my most favorite kind of roses with orange & peach hues...Today is a beautiful day and I hate to spend it cooped up inside washing last night's dishes and pulling my hair out while job searching. I am going to spend an hour on business before taking a walk or a drive. I have to get out of here before I get cabin fever.

Happy Valentine's Day

I am really looking forward to dinner with Stephen tonight. I have everything prepared to begin my Valentine's cooking adventure...hopefully it's not a disaster! I made a healthy dessert but I couldn't resist buying a fruit tart from Churrolandia Bakery and Funnel Cake Factory. At least it's trans-fat free. Who cares about counting calories today anyway! It's Valentine's!!! I am going to eat my meat, potatoes & double desserts (mostly) guilt free. Anyway, check out the pictures of the table-scape I created on zero budget. I guess it's not that bad considering I used things I already had. It will look even better in candlelight. Very romantic! I hope Stephen likes the surprise.