Let me off! NOW!

I've been riding a roller coaster for the last six months and I'm ready to hop off! Mostly I've been headed downhill, full speed ahead, through a dark tunnel, white knuckling it the whole way. Throughout the ride I lost creativity, self confidence and worst of all, hope. Slowly, I'm trying to find myself again. I'm going to get off this ride - I am determined to do it. I am fearless and ready. Here goes everything!

In search of myself and all that I've lost, I have decided to get crafty again. I went to Michael's today and bought some supplies to make a wish book. I'm going to create pages of what I wish for in my life. If I make it, IT will come. I'll post photos along this creative journey.

So far, 30 has been great. OK, so the whole not having a job thing stinks...but otherwise I am exactly where I imagined myself to be at 30. Sure, I want marriage, babies & owning a house would be icing on the cake - but I never needed all of that by 30 years and 9 days. Things will come together and I want to cherish everyday and love myself the way I am right now, this very second. I don't want to hate myself because I feel the pressure of everyone's expectations for me. Marriage and babies will come soon. I have been inspired by several women who have waited until their 30s to start a family. For all of us, it is not because of circumstance that we waited. It is because of choice. I am proud of the choices I made. I waited for the right time and for the right person. Thank God, Hallelujah, Praise da Lord I didn't have a baby with the first (or second) guy to come around. I'd be on a whole different roller coaster if my life would have turned out that way. I'm happy, I love my guy more then I've loved anyone - ever. I'm happy that I waited. Check out this little bit of inspiration I found in this month's Glamour. I also found the picture of a really pretty ring. I'll post it up somewhere in the house just in case...just in case I get sick of waiting...hehe....

I added more pics to my Photo Album. Check out my swaps & a bunch of my random pictures. Taking pictures is relaxing. I am addicted to Steph's new camera. ssshhhhh - I've been sneakily using it. hehehehe...I've yet to add any of me at my birthday party. I just hate the way I looked that day! Couldn't someone have told me I desperately needed compact! Anyway, keep checking in. I prmise to "spice up" my blog. My poor blog is a snooze fest! I have a couple cool topics on the backburner. Less venting! I pinky promise!

I have my fingers crossed behind my back. ;-) hehehe...

The Orange Eating Bandit Strikes Again!

The party is over!

My week long 30th birthday celebration has finally come to an end. It ended on Saturday with a big celebration at Bar Celona in Pasadena with family and friends. It was good to see everyone I love together, eating, talking, laughing and having a good time. I got so many nice gifts but seeing everyone together was the best gift of them all. The restaurant was cool, the cake was delicious and the Sangria was to die for!!! My camera pooped out so I'm a little delayed on adding pictures to flickr. I borrowed two different cameras and I'm trying to get a hold of the memory sticks to make a slide show of the big bash. It was a fun party but it would have been even better if it wasn't MY party. I couldn't help stressing out that people weren't having a good time, that they had spent too much money on me or that I looked hideously fat & ugly. Not to mention that I feel as though I have a huge U on my chest for UNEMPLOYED and everyone can see it. I hate that I am so insecure right now. It's a combination of events over the last 6 months that has got me to this low point. I want the old me back! I know I'm somewhere under this blanket of self hate. I don't want to be like this, I really, really don't. Relying on someone else for survival is a really humbling experience...it's been tough but my family has been there, and will continue to be there, loving me unconditionally... & for this I am most grateful. I hope things change soon - for your sake, my dear blog readers! The stress is zapping my fun & creativity. I'm losing it & I'm sorry.

Hello 30

I'm officially 30. I don't feel older - maybe just a little more depressed about my failure to find a job. At 29, being unemployed sucked, but at 30, it's pathetic! Yesterday was a nice break from job hunting & all the stress that comes along with it. I have to admit that I did send out 1 resume even though I promised myself I would stay off the job sites. I couldn't help myself! I had a nice lunch with Billy, did a little Target shopping and had dinner at Benihana with Stephen & some of his family. I always over eat there! I couldn't even finish my green tea ice cream because my stomach felt like it was going to explode! I'm still recovering from that meal today! It was goooooooooood! I have been pampered by friends and family and my real party isn't until Saturday! I feel so loved! Stephen bought me a gift certificate to the salon across the street so I am getting "made over" this afternoon. I'm also thankful to all the people who told me the 30s have been (or were) their best years. I am looking forward to all the adventures yet to come. 30s be good to me!

Goodbye 20s!!!

In less then 24 hours I turn the BIG 3-0!!! Today is the last day of my 20s! Now it's really hitting me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Saturday marked the beginning of the week long celebration. Stephen's family had a bbq and b-day celebration for his cousin, sister and myself. There was delicious food and I got to hit a pinata the first time since I was a kid. It was so much fun. They are so sweet to me. I got so many really nice cards and gifts. On Sunday I went to Disneyland with my mom & my niece, Lisa. I got them up early so we could make it there in time for a Mickey Mouse waffle. Soooo good! I had a really nice day with them. Tomorrow (my real birthday) it's supposed to rain. My luck! I'll probably go out to a nice dinner with Stephen and then on Saturday I will celebrate with my family & closest friends (wish you could be there becs!)! Yeah! All this celebrating has caused me to stop my weigh loss success - I guess it doesn't matter since (still) no one has noticed the 13 pound loss! This afternoon I'm going shopping with Jenn to find something to wear for my party. I'm excited! I haven't been to the mall & shopped for myself in ages! I'm usually a (lazy & cheap) Target shopper. I buy everything from Target. I love that place! I got a Target gift certificate from Stephen's aunt for my birthday & I spent it yesterday. I bought a new curling iron, alphabet stamps, and some necessities. I have five dollars left to spend so I am probably going to head back there this afternoon for razors - which I forgot...In other news, no word from the job - or any job for that matter. Very frustrating...but I'm going to put the search (& all the stress that comes with it) on the back burner. Tomorrow I vow not to open up Monster or Craigslist and I will not keeping checking my phone for messages. I'm going to forget about all the bad things - at least until Thursday rolls around.

Good Luck

I have slacked on the blogging this week. I really haven't had anything interesting to report. On Tuesday, I had a test for a job I interviewed for last week. I'm waiting (not so) patiently to see if I make it to stage 3 of the interview process. The test was very difficult - well the computer part was easy, but they gave me a grammar test and I'm embarrassed to say, I probably only got half correct at best. I'm so frustrated with myself! I either ace the interview but fail the test or I score high on a test and blow the interview. Some of the tests I've taken for administrative jobs are quite difficult. How does anyone pass these things & get hired? I know a lot of college educated people who would fail miserably. The only thing keeping me from having a breakdown is that I have this strange gut feeling that (soon) something is going to happen that will change my life. A good thing...I feel lucky, excited and I've had stomach butterflies all week. I hope it's the job - I really need this job! Hopefully the butterflies are not a result of the anxiety I'm feeling about turning 30 in less then a week! My family & Stephen is throwing me a little luncheon at a place in Pasadena next weekend. I'm half excited half dreading it. I had a dream that there was a microphone set up at the party and people got up to do a roast and said really humiliating things about me not being able to find a job. It was awful. Being unemployed is killing whatever little bit of self esteem I had! I went biking with Stephen on Tuesday and I made in up Turnbull without getting off my bike to rest. It made me feel really good for the first time in months. It was the first goal I accomplished in such a long time. It was a stress reliever and a temporary ego boost. Plus it was good to be outdoors with my honey. Anyway friends, I wish you a Happy St. Patty's! I'll be at the lake with Stephen & his familia tomorrow. xoxo

Self Portraits

junk as far as the eye can see

Today felt like the endless day. Stephen woke me up this morning because Gregifer invited us to tag along with them at the Santa Fe Springs Swap Meet. I resisted at first only because I had been then once before and it was a miserable experience. I remember it being hotter then hell & full of cholos. It was exactly as I remembered. Today was the hottest winter day I can ever remember and the swap meet was ghetto in all it's glory. Veteranos in wheelchairs, teen moms, crowds and the sweltering heat. I did manage to find a cute butterfly for the garden - full of lead paint but it's very pretty nonetheless. I was hoping that I could find some craft supplies in all the bins of junk but no luck. There was so much to see - aisles and aisles of stuff, Mexican music blasting and the glorious smell of fried tortillas - my senses were on overload. You can find a little mix of everything there. Tupac blankets, granny panties, knock off purses, Mexican candy, birds, tools, samurai swords, used baby furniture, coffins and you can even get a massage! After buying some useless items and feeling tired and dehydrated we made our way back to car. We did some more shopping on the way home - Greg & Jenn bought some furniture for their new pad and we stopped for a much needed Starbucks. My new fave drink is Passion Tea Lemonade - two pumps melon , one pump raspberry - Refreshing - you must try! We came back to our neck of the woods, did a little relaxing and then went out for pizza. I messed up on the "non-diet" a little but I'll be back on tomorrow - I want to lose 5 more before the BIG 3-0!!!. I just finished organizing the craft room and now I'm about to study for a test I'm taking on Tuesday for a job I really want. Phew - what a day! I hate Sundays - even worse now that I'm not working. It's the realization that another week is coming and I still don't have anything lined up - plus another endless week of job hunting is ahead. It's really draining...but I'm going to go into this week with a good attitude and maybe I can make something happen.

Still not a winner

I didn't win the MEGA Millions - I didn't match a single number! However, I did land a really promising interview with a huge corporation run by a mouse who wears red shorts. I probably wouldn't have got the interview but a previous employer has a connection to the recruiter and that got her attention. Lucky break, I guess. Now if only I can land the job. I have a couple of other interviews on the horizon and I'm determined to get hired somewhere soon.

I finished my fairy doll for the Fairy Bower Doll & Matchbox Swap. She's no dainty fairy! She's a short, husky, flamboyant sprite & she's got a head or fiery hair. I had so much fun making her. I used polymer clay, paint, fabric, buttons, and yarn. The other part of the swap is to decorate a little matchbox and fill it with fairy items. I filled hers with flowers, lady bugs, butterflies, shells, stars, animals & other cute little embellishments. This has been one of my favorite swaps! I'm mailing her tomorrow and I'll be sad to see her go...but she's going to a good home.

Check my photo album - I've added some random pictures and one of my empty garden. I created a small fenced in garden in our little side yard. I planted seeds last week and I'll be taking photos of the progress. Hopefully something other then clovers and dandelions will grow on that side of the house.

Travel Bugs & jackpots

Look at where my travel bugs have been! Punky is on a group tour in chilly Michigan, Blues is in New Zealand at Waikawa Beach and Miss Travel Bunny finally got picked up this week and will be on her way very soon. One of my other TB's is still waiting to be picked up in a cold & lonely cache in Whittier and the other has gone missing - I'm guessing stolen and given to some newbie geocacher's kid! These little toys are jet-setting around the world while the original jet-set chick is dying for an adventure of her own! It's been almost two years since my last really big adventure. I'm yearning for a change of scenery...but I'm stuck here until I FINALLY land a job and earn some vacation. Hopefully I'll win the huge MEGA Millions jackpot tonight and then I'll be free of job hunting forever! I have a bunch of old lottery tickets sitting here that I'm not ready to check. I hate finding out I'm not a winner...I like to imagine I have the winning ticket in my grasp. It gives me something to think about when I can't sleep. I like to imagine what I'd do with the money...but for the time being a new job would feel just as good as winning a huge jackpot.