The party is over!

My week long 30th birthday celebration has finally come to an end. It ended on Saturday with a big celebration at Bar Celona in Pasadena with family and friends. It was good to see everyone I love together, eating, talking, laughing and having a good time. I got so many nice gifts but seeing everyone together was the best gift of them all. The restaurant was cool, the cake was delicious and the Sangria was to die for!!! My camera pooped out so I'm a little delayed on adding pictures to flickr. I borrowed two different cameras and I'm trying to get a hold of the memory sticks to make a slide show of the big bash. It was a fun party but it would have been even better if it wasn't MY party. I couldn't help stressing out that people weren't having a good time, that they had spent too much money on me or that I looked hideously fat & ugly. Not to mention that I feel as though I have a huge U on my chest for UNEMPLOYED and everyone can see it. I hate that I am so insecure right now. It's a combination of events over the last 6 months that has got me to this low point. I want the old me back! I know I'm somewhere under this blanket of self hate. I don't want to be like this, I really, really don't. Relying on someone else for survival is a really humbling experience...it's been tough but my family has been there, and will continue to be there, loving me unconditionally... & for this I am most grateful. I hope things change soon - for your sake, my dear blog readers! The stress is zapping my fun & creativity. I'm losing it & I'm sorry.